Before we talk about anger, it’s helpful to start with some mindfulness of emotion to better connect with what we’re talking about. Because this is a brief practice, let’s reflect on a situation that brings up some feelings of anger, but stay away from situations that may bring up really intense feelings.
Practicing mindfulness of emotion is all about turning our observations inwards and approaching our emotions with curiosity and acceptance. By paying attention to our emotions, we increase our understanding of ourselves and gain some control back over our behavior.
You can practice Mindfulness of Emotions for as much or as little time as you like. Going through the steps outlined below might take you about 5 minutes, depending on how long you spend going through each step.
- Get into your mindful position: Sit or lay down with your eyes closed or resting on something in the room that will not be too distracting.
- Focus on the tip of your nose and each time you breathe in, follow your breath as it goes in through your nose, down into your lungs and back out again.
- Think about a time when you felt a little bit sad. Or disappointed. A time where things didn’t go how you hoped. Imagine the situation. Remember where you were. Who was with you. What had happened. How you acted and responded. Fill out the world around you like you were describing it to an artist painting the scene. Name the emotion that you are experiencing.
- Accept the emotion. Recognize that this emotion is a part of the normal, human experience. Don’t try to hold on to this feeling or push it away. Simply feel what you are feeling.
- Be curious about your emotion. Ask yourself some questions to understand more about how this emotion feels to you.
- How strongly do you feel this emotion?
- Where do you feel this emotion in your body?
- How does this emotion change your posture?
- How does this emotion change your facial expression?
- Do you notice any feelings of tension in your muscles?
- Do you notice any heaviness in your body?
- Do you feel any energy or restlessness?
- Notice any thoughts that you are having about your emotion.
- If you notice that you are trying to figure out why you are feeling this emotion, just refocus on what that emotion feels like.
- If you catch yourself judging yourself for feeling this way, just refocus on what that emotion feels like or refocus on your breath for a moment.
- Be aware of changes during the practice. As you pay attention to your emotions and your body, you may notice that one or both changes, even without you trying to change it. Pay attention to those natural movements.
- Bring your attention back to your breath. When you are ready, you can open your eyes and end the practice.
Nice work! Now let’s talk about what you just experienced.
What is anger?+
Anger is…
Anger is a universal, natural emotion, but one that causes us trouble when it is not managed well. . While it may seem that situations directly cause us to feel anger, like all emotions, anger is a response to our thoughts, behaviors, and bodily sensations about the situations we are in. It acts like a thermometer by giving us the “temperature” of the situation. Overall, anger is an emotion that tells us that something is happening that we really don’t like.
Anger is one of the most intimidating emotions to experience for many. However, it’s an important tool. Anger helps us protect ourselves and solve problems. Anger also helps us learn more about what we like and don’t like. All in all, anger provides important clues about our life and helps us manage difficult experiences.
When we are describing our feelings of anger to someone else it is common to downplay them or use filler words like “frustration” which describe our situation, but avoid sharing about our actual emotions. For that reason, “frustration” is actually not an emotion. Instead, it is an expression of a person’s experience. It’s a way for people to express that they are having an uncomfortable or unpleasant experience. But that could be any number of different emotions! There are lots of different types of anger, ranging in intensity. On the minor end of the anger spectrum, we might feel annoyance or irritation and building up to the more extreme situations we might feel rage. When we feel ourselves to be morally correct in a challenging situation we might feel indignation. At other times, our anger can line up with feelings of disappointment.
Anger feels like…
The experience of anger is unique. We can look to our thoughts, behaviors, and body to get a window into what anger is like. Everyone will experience anger differently, but there are some common clues that we can look for. If you’ve ever heard someone called “hot-headed” because they’re prone to outbursts of anger, or you’ve seen an angry cartoon shoot steam out of their ears, then you know the first symptom of anger. Heat. The human body literally gets hotter when it’s angry. You’re likely to feel heat in your face or head. You may also notice your body heating up as well. Another common experience is your heart rate increasing. Anger is a very active and energizing emotion! You’re ready to act - sometimes fight! Because of that, your heart begins to work hard to get blood to your muscles so that you can do whatever you need to do. Relatedly, you may also feel tightness in your muscles. This is because your muscles are pumped full of blood and getting ready to engage. Lastly, you may experience tears. Tears aren’t just for sadness. Tears are for any powerful emotion. The tears are there to help relieve some of the intense pressure that’s building. So combined with these other clues, tears can let you know that you’re angry.
If we turn our attention to our mind, we’ll start to notice important clues there too. Your thoughts are likely getting faster and faster. They may also be getting stuck on one particular idea. Likely an upsetting and angry experience. If you listen to those thoughts, you’ll hear words and phrases that sound angry. For example, “I can’t believe…it’s so unfair…how could they…I hate this…I hate them…that’s so messed up…” These are clues that you’re feeling anger.
Why is anger uncomfortable?+
Personally
Anger is a unique emotion. It carries a lot of judgment. Judgment from others and judgment from ourselves. Anger is an emotion that can carry a label with it. It’s common for people to say that they don’t want to be “an angry person.” This is because when people think about anger, they’re usually thinking of aggression. Imagining someone who is acting out, yelling at people, pushing people away, breaking things. That intense aggression may go against your values - kindness, patience, support, humor, intelligence, etc. So to be an “angry person” would make them a “bad person.” As a result, people can tend to avoid the emotion of anger altogether when they’re actually trying to avoid aggressive behavior. We often associate anger with something bad because most people have bad experiences with anger. It’s very common for people to have been on the receiving end of an angry, or even aggressive, interaction. That bad, or even traumatic, experience can cause people to steer clear of this emotion altogether.
We feel anger when something uncomfortable is happening, so it’s natural that feeling anger can be painful too. The same problem comes up just like when we feel sadness or fear. As human beings, we are particularly sensitive to pain. And we are designed to avoid pain as much as possible. It triggers the same instincts and responses in us. Just like if we touch a hot stove, we’re going to react immediately to stop the pain from happening. As a result, it is super common to back away and avoid anger as much as possible because nobody wants to sit in discomfort or pain for very long.
Anger often shows up in situations that we think are bad or when we think that something shouldn’t be happening. This feeling is often amplified for anyone who is marginalized or put down in our community/society. Repeated exposure to bullying, interpersonal violence, or societal messages can impact if a person feels deserving of anger. Anybody who has these experiences based on their closely held identities (race, gender identity, religion, sexual identity, ability status, etc.) may be strongly impacted.
Interpersonally
Anger is thought of as a prickly emotion. It can be hard to be on the receiving end of anger. Because of the potentially hurtful side of anger, many people view it as a dangerous weapon that should not be used. It could hurt another person. And it could hurt our relationship with that person too! To protect our relationships, we may try not to upset the other person. And that can mean avoiding anger altogether.
Whether we express our anger - and how we do it - is often influenced by our identities. How our parents, family, and community express this emotion and respond to this emotion shape us. We take after our models implicitly so that we fit into the world. Often, men use aggression (behavior) to express their anger (emotion), resulting in high conflict. At the same time, women are often discouraged from showing anger and may be seen negatively when they advocate for themselves.A bit of a trap for everyone involved. Harmful racial stereotypes can also make it hard to express anger safely. There’s a danger of being perceived as a serious threat or aggressive, even when our behavior is “within bounds.”
Human beings are designed to try and fit in and be a part of the group. So, we avoid rejection at all costs! We might have learned the lesson: if we don’t show anger, we’re less likely to be rejected! In that case, we’re trying to stay safe from discomfort/pain, but we end up missing out on how our anger can actually help us.
What does anger do for us?+
Personally
How could anger possibly help us?? Seems like it’s only a sharp sword! Something that can hurt others or ourselves! Importantly, swords are not just weapons. They’re protection and useful tools as well. Anger provides essential information about our environment and our experience.
Anger tells us when there is something happening that we don’t like or we don’t approve of. Listening to this emotion can teach us more about ourselves. It can teach us about the people we do not want to spend time with or look up to. It can help us figure out what is important to us. If I see someone pushing another person around and it makes me feel angry, I might recognize that fairness and kindness are values that are highly important to me. We can then use that information to change our experience to line up with who we are.
Interpersonally
Like a sword, anger is also great protection. A sword can deflect and parry incoming attacks. Anger similarly deflect attacks. Its an emotion that pushes back. Specifically, it pushes back when your boundaries have been crossed. If someone is too close - physically or otherwise - we can use our anger to push back to keep them away. Expressing anger is a great way people let others know their personal bubbles have been breached. The huge fear here is that the anger will offend and hurt those around us. After that, the relationship will fall apart, leaving us hurt and alone. Of course, we can express our anger in ways that can be damaging to our relationships, but saying “no” or asking for what we need can also be powerful ways of improving our relationships over time. If we can express ourselves assertively, we can avoid steamrolling others or getting steamrolled. Communicating assertively means being open and direct about how we are feeling. Showing our pain and hurt to someone often helps them feel closer to us by the end of the conversation. It also strengthens the relationship by giving them key information on how to support you and be close with you in a healthy way.
Avoiding anger in a relationship can build pressure and distance within the relationship. It can lead to resentment of the other person. It can push people away. Creating the distance that we were afraid of in the first place. Without this tool in our toolbox, we wouldn’t be able to deal with so many everyday challenges. So, next time you feel a tiny bit of anger (feeling frustrated, annoyed, irked, ticked off, bothered), see if you can express that to yourself or someone you trust.
