Coping Skills

We can use coping skills any time we are going through something that causes us to feel strong, painful emotions. 

Usually, these skills are easier to put into practice when we are feeling more relaxed compared to when we are feeling very upset. For that reason, it is helpful to:

• Plan for how you will cope with a situation before it actually happens. Think through your options when your mind is clear and emotions are calmer. Write it down and keep it with you so that you can use it when you really need it.
• Use your coping skills as soon as you notice a change in your mood. Using our skills early and often increases the chance that they will work the way we want them to and gives us more practice.
• Use multiple coping skills in the same situation. Sometimes one skill is not quite enough for the situation, but if we use more than one we can get the result we need. For instance, first we might practice breathing to help ourselves slow down, then check to see if our emotions match the situation, then do some problem solving.

Depending on the kind of problems we are facing and how strong our emotions are, different coping skills may be more helpful. To choose the best coping skill for your situation, try asking these questions.

Should I be feeling this way? 

Before we know the best way to cope with our emotions, we need to know whether our emotions match the situation that we are in. Even when they are unpleasant, our emotions are trying to tell us something. Before we try to change the way we feel, we should listen to that message and decide whether it is helpful to us. 

In some situations, our emotions match the situation that we are in. For example, I might feel anxious about an upcoming exam because I know that I have not studied and likely do not know the material well enough to pass. In that case, feeling anxious makes a lot of sense. In order to feel better, I might need to solve the problem at hand. If I don’t do anything to change my situation, then my anxiety will probably get more intense as the exam gets closer. If I become more prepared for the exam (maybe by making time to study), then my feeling of anxiety will probably decrease. (For more information, see Problem Solving below.)

In other situations, we might realize that our emotions do not match the situation we are in. This might happen if we are feeling upset about something that we assume is happening. For example, if I assume that a friend of mine does not like me anymore because she said no to spending time with me over the weekend then I might feel angry and sad. Later on, I found out that she said no because she was feeling sick, not because she doesn’t like me anymore. In this case, my strong feelings were based on what I was thinking, not what was actually happening. Because of this, I felt angry and sad when I didn’t need to. Coping well in this situation might mean keeping myself from jumping to conclusions or challenging any assumptions that pop into my mind automatically. (For more information, see Challenging Thoughts and Thought Stopping below.) 

What is my goal?

Before we take action, it is helpful to consider what we want to happen. Our emotions help to organize us to take action. When we are angry, we may feel an urge to defend ourselves. When we feel fear, we may want to avoid a situation. When we feel guilty, we may feel an urge to apologize to someone we have hurt. 

Sometimes these urges are very helpful. They can help us take action that is in line with our goals and the person that we want to be. Other times, these urges can cause us to do things that make our situation worse. Before we decide what coping skill is going to be the most helpful, it is important to decide what end goal we are hoping to achieve. The things we do are not necessarily “healthy” or “unhealthy,” but some actions will help us accomplish our goals and some may not. 

Is what I’m doing helping me?

Sometimes we are able to recognize that our feelings do not match the situation that we are in, but the feeling sticks around anyways. Sometimes the urges that we have to do something would cause us more problems than they would solve if we did them. In those situations, it can be helpful to do the opposite of what we want to do in that situation. Instead of calling up my friend to yell at her for not spending time with me, I might send her a kind text or take some time to relax before reaching out. (For more information, see Opposite Action.)

If you would like to try out some of the coping skills mentioned above for yourself, here is a list of different ways that you can get started. The best thing to do might be different depending on the specific situation that you are in, so remember to ask yourself the questions listed above before choosing one of these skills to use.

The coping skills we will talk about here include: Challenging Thoughts, Thought Stopping, Problem Solving, and Opposite Action. Sometimes, mindfulness skills can help us here as well. Try out different ones to see which you might like best! 

Challenging Thoughts

Challenging our thoughts is a great first step when choosing which coping skill we want to use. Changing our perspective can change the way we feel and it can help us determine whether Problem Solving or Opposite Action might be more helpful for our specific situation. Writing this out (rather than trying to do it in your head) will make this much easier.

Steps for Challenging Thoughts:

1. Identify the situation that is causing us stress.
   • Be as specific as possible about what is bothering you right now. Break a stressful situation down into each of its parts and address each of these separately to keep from feeling overwhelmed.
   • Try to be non-judgmental in your language. The more judgmental we are in describing the situation, the harder it is to evaluate our thoughts.
2. Identify the thoughts that you have about this situation.
   • List the thoughts that are going through your mind automatically during this stressful situation - not just the thoughts you want to be thinking.
   • Try to list your thoughts as sentences, not questions. For example, instead of saying “Why me?” write “This is happening because I was careless.”
3. Identify your emotions when you think these thoughts.
   • Identifying our emotions in the present can be challenging. It may be helpful to practice mindfulness of emotions if this answer is not immediately clear.
   • When identifying our emotions, it is helpful to be as specific as possible. Instead of just naming the emotion as “Anger,” consider more specific words, such as “Irritation,” or “Rage.”
4. Identify your behavior in this situation.
   • Write out what you have already done and what you have a strong urge to do about this situation.
5. Challenge the thoughts.
   • Go back to the thoughts that you identified in Step 2. One at a time, be curious about these thoughts. You might ask some of the following questions:
     • What is the evidence that this thought is true? What is the evidence that this thought is false? (This may show us when we are jumping to conclusions without knowing all the relevant information.)
     • Am I confusing a possible outcome with something that is certainly going to happen? (This may show us when we are assuming the worst-case scenario without considering that outcome may be unlikely to happen.)
     • Is there any additional information that I need to understand this situation?
     • Are there any other ways to see this situation? (Answering this question requires us to be creative, brainstorm ANY other possible explanations for the situation other than the first interpretation we came up with.)
     • What is the source of my information? Is that a reliable source?
6. Come up with a way of thinking that is as realistic and helpful as possible.
   • Sometimes, the way that we were originally viewing a situation is correct  and helping us move towards our goals so no changes need to be made!
   • When we find that we are jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, leaving out important information, having tunnel-vision, or taking in bad information however, changing that perspective may be best.
   • If you get stuck on this step, take a look at the information below to give you some ideas about what your opposite actions could be.

Example of Challenging Thoughts:

1. Identify the situation that is causing us stress.
   • I spilled my coffee on myself on my way to work.
2. Identify the thoughts that you have about this situation.
   • This whole day is ruined.
3. Identify your emotions when you think these thoughts.
   • Hopelessness, Anger, Sadness
4. Identify your behavior in this situation.
   • Throw the rest of the coffee away, Try to clean up in the restroom at work, Complain to my coworker about my situation
5. Challenge the thoughts.
   • What is the evidence that this thought is true? What is the evidence that this thought is false? 
     I don't have any evidence about what will happen in the rest of the day. I am making an assumption about the future.
   • Am I confusing a possible outcome with something that is certainly going to happen? 
     It's possible the rest of the day will turn out badly, but I don't know that for sure.
   • Is there any additional information that I need to understand this situation? 
     I need to know about the future, and I can't know that until it happens.
   • Are there any other ways to see this situation? 
     I made a mistake, that's pretty normal. I have a spare shirt in the car, so no one needs to know this happened. Whether or not I spill my coffee doesn't affect the rest of the day.
   • What is the source of my information? Is that a reliable source? 
     My thought is coming from my emotions, they are not a reliable source about what may happen in the future.
6. Come up with a way of thinking that is as realistic and helpful as possible.
   • It sucks that I spilled my coffee, but I can still have a good day overall.

Tips for coming up with new ways of thinking:

• When challenging our thoughts it is important that we come up with a new way of thinking that we actually believe! Challenging our thoughts is not about having someone else tell you what to think. It's about you coming up with new ways of thinking that actually make sense to you.
• We don't just want our thoughts to be “positive,” we want them to be realistic. Putting on "rose-colored glasses” might be just as unhelpful as seeing everything as doom-and-gloom.
• Be creative! Creating a new way of seeing a situation might not feel natural at first, but it gets easier to come up with new interpretations with practice.

Thought Stopping

Stopping our thoughts in their tracks may be helpful when (1) we don't have time to go through all of the steps in Challenging Thoughts and (2) we  know that our thoughts are making our situation even harder to deal with. 

Thought Stopping is a quick skill in which we cut off a train of thought as soon as we realize it is not realistic or helpful. It can work quickly, but the effects may wear off quickly if we don't use other coping skills along with it. If we over-use this skill, we might not be dealing with our problems in the most direct and helpful way. However, this can be useful when we are dealing with a stressor in the moment. 

Steps for practicing Problem Solving:

1. Recognize that our thoughts are making our emotions more intense.
2. Interrupt the automatic thoughts going through our minds by re-directing our attention to something else. Options include:
   • Thinking of a phrase or mantra that helps you feel better.
     • “This too shall pass.”
     • “It's not worth getting upset about.”
     • “Not my monkey, not my circus.”
     • “I can handle this.”
   • Thinking of something else that is interesting to us. Options include:
     • The plot-line of a book or show we have been watching lately.
     • A riddle that we don't know the answer to yet.
     • A place that we have been before that was peaceful.

Problem Solving

Problem Solving  is going to be most helpful to us when (1) our feelings do match the situation that we are in and (2) the situation needs to change in order for us to feel better.

Steps for practicing Problem Solving:

1. Identify the emotion that you are feeling.
   • Identifying our emotions in the present can be challenging. It may be helpful to practice mindfulness of emotions if this answer is not immediately clear.
   • When identifying our emotions, it is helpful to be as specific as possible. Instead of just naming the emotion as “Anger,” consider more specific words, such as “Irritation,” or “Rage.”
2. Identify your goal for the situation that you are in.
   • Answer the question: What needs to happen or change for things to be okay?
   • Keep your goal simple, realistic, and specific.
3. Brainstorm as many solutions to the problem as possible.
   • Write down all solutions, even the ones that are unlikely to work. While brainstorming, put all options on the table - you will choose the best options available later.
   • Often, we skip this step or don’t spend enough time here. Be thorough, don’t just consider the first few ideas that come into your mind!
4. Choose the item on the list that seems to be the most likely to work.
   • If you are torn between several options, weigh out the pros and cons of each on paper. One may end up being a better fit once it is all laid out. Or, they may be about the same and you can choose the option that may be easier or faster to try.
5. Put the solution into action.
6. Evaluate the results.
   • If it worked, celebrate! If it didn’t, go back to Step 4 and choose another strategy to try. You may have learned something from this experience that will help you choose a strategy that is more likely to work.

Example of Problem Solving:

1. Identify the emotion that you are feeling.
   • Fear
2. Identify your goal for the situation that you are in.
   • To pass my upcoming exam.
3. Brainstorm as many solutions to the problem as possible.
   • Review information on the study guide, Meet with others in the class to discuss preparation strategies, Break into the professor’s office and steal a copy of the test, Ignore the problem and hope I pass the exam with the information I already learned, Drink a lot of alcohol to forget about the stress, Call a friend to complain that the professor does not like me, Attend the professor’s office hours, Ask students who have taken the class before what questions were on the exam
4. Choose the item on the list that seems to be the most likely to work.
   • Review information on the study guide
5. Put the solution into action.
6. Evaluate the results.
   • After spending some time reviewing the information from the study guide, I feel a little more prepared for the test and a little less afraid. I may need to use additional strategies from that list to help even more. Next, I will reach out to other students in the class to see how they are preparing.

Opposite Action

Opposite Action is going to be most helpful to us when (1) our feelings do not match the situation that we are in and/or (2) the thing we want to do based on our emotions is likely to make the situation worse.

Steps for practicing Opposite Action:

1. Identify the emotion that you are feeling.
   • Identifying our emotions in the present can be challenging. It may be helpful to practice mindfulness of emotions if this answer is not immediately clear.
   • When identifying our emotions, it is helpful to be as specific as possible. Instead of just naming the emotion as “Anger,” consider more specific words, such as “Irritation,” or “Rage.”
2. Identify the emotion urge that you are feeling.
   • What is it that your emotion tells you that you “should” do in this situation? Be as specific as possible in answering this question.
   • If you get stuck on this step, take a look at the information below to give you some ideas about what your action urges might be.
3. Identify your goal for the situation that you are in.
   • Your goal could be anything based on what you are hoping will be the final outcome of the interaction or stressful situation. Be as specific as possible about what you want. You goal could be:
     • To improve the relationship between myself and another person
     • To get through the situation without engaging in self-harm
     • To feel proud of myself for how to handle the situation, once it is over
     • To get what I need from this other person
     • To express my feelings to this other person
     • To feel better about that situation that I am in
4. Decide whether acting on that emotion urge will help you achieve your goals.
   • Sometimes our action urges are very appropriate and helpful for our situation. Sometimes our action urges may feel good in the moment, but move us even further away from the outcome we were hoping for in the long-term. Take your time in considering whether the emotion urge is likely to be helpful to you in your case.
   • If the emotion urge will help you achieve your goals, you do not need to practice Opposite Action. If the emotion urge will not help you achieve your goals, continue to the next step.
5. Identify an opposite action.
   • Be as specific as possible in choosing this opposite action. Think about things that you will do instead of the things that you will not do. For example, “I will wait 10 minutes before responding to this text in anger” instead of “I will not be mean.”
   • If you get stuck on this step, take a look at the information below to give you some ideas about what your opposite actions could be.
6. Put that opposite action into practice.

Example of Opposite Action:

1. Identify the emotion that you are feeling.
   • Rage
2. Identify the emotion urge that you are feeling.
   • Yell at my boss and tell them that they are stupid for not communicating better with me.
3. Identify your goal for the situation that you are in.
   • I want to have a good, working relationship with my boss. I want them to be more helpful to me in the future.
4. Decide whether acting on that emotion urge will help you achieve your goals.
   • No, yelling at them will probably cause them to see me more negatively and want to talk with me even less in the future. Saying what I want to say might negatively impact my performance evaluation or even get me fired. 
5. Identify an opposite action.
   • Taking a short walk before sending an email requesting a meeting to talk about how communication on the team could be improved. Asking them to check in with me about changes to the project sooner so that I can make adjustments in a timely manner. 
6. Put that opposite action into practice.
   • Meeting went well. Boss was receptive to my concrete suggestions about what could be improved. 
   • I still feel irritated about the miscommunication from earlier in the day, but I also feel hopeful that things will be smoother in the future and proud that I did not make the situation worse.

Common Emotion Urges and Opposite Actions: