Before we talk about fear, let’s set the mood. We’ll do some mindfulness of emotion to better connect with what we’re talking about. Because this is a brief practice, let’s reflect on a situation that brings up some feelings of fear, but stay away from situations that may bring up really intense feelings.

Practicing mindfulness of emotion is all about turning our observations inwards and approaching our emotions with curiosity and acceptance. By paying attention to our emotions, we help understand ourselves and gain some control back over our behavior.

You can practice Mindfulness of Emotions for as much or as little time as you like. Going through the steps outlined below might take you about 5 minutes, depending on how long you spend going through each step.

Get into your mindful position: Sit or lay down with your eyes closed or resting on something in the room that will not be too distracting.
Focus on the tip of your nose and each time you breathe in, follow your breath as it goes in through your nose, down into your lungs and back out again.
Think about a time when you felt a little bit scared. Or nervous. A time where you were worried something bad would happen to you. Imagine the situation. Remember where you were. Who was with you. What had happened. How you acted and responded. Fill out the world around you like you were describing it to an artist painting the scene. Name the emotion that you are experiencing.
Accept the emotion. Recognize that this emotion is a part of the normal, human experience. Don’t try to hold on to this feeling or push it away. Simply feel what you are feeling.
Be curious about your emotion. Ask yourself some questions to understand more about how this emotion feels to you.
1. How strongly do you feel this emotion?
2. Where do you feel this emotion in your body?
3. How does this emotion change your posture?
4. How does this emotion change your facial expression?
5. Do you notice any feelings of tension in your muscles?
6. Do you notice any heaviness in your body?
7. Do you feel any energy or restlessness?
Notice any thoughts that you are having about your emotion.
1. If you notice that you are trying to figure out why you are feeling this emotion, just refocus on what that emotion feels like.
2. If you catch yourself judging yourself for feeling this way, just refocus on what that emotion feels like or refocus on your breath for a moment.
Be aware of changes during the practice. As you pay attention to your emotions and your body, you may notice that one or both changes, even without you trying to change it. Pay attention to those natural movements.
Bring your attention back to your breath. When you are ready, you can open your eyes and end the practice.

What is fear?+

Fear is…

Fear is one of the most basic emotions humans have. It is one of the first emotions the human brain developed because it is connected to our need for survival. Fear is absolutely essential to our survival.

Fear is the fire alarm that gets pulled to let you know that you are in immediate danger and gets your body ready to respond. Importantly, danger can mean a couple different things. There is obviously physical danger. Like if we’re very high up, near an aggressive dog, or being physically/verbally attacked. There is also emotional danger. Like if we’re at risk of feeling a painful emotion (like sadness or anger). There is also interpersonal danger. Like if our relationship looks like it may end or if we sense rejection by someone. Fear causes a response to get us away from danger. Without fear, we would put ourselves in harm’s way and fail to plan ahead to possible problems!

Fear feels like…

Fear causes intense signals in the body and mind. Those signals tell you to act in a way that protects you. Intense fear prompts one of three responses: a fight, or flight, or freeze response from people. These are all evolutionary ways to try to stay safe and alive when confronted with danger and take effect very quickly. These signals look a little different for everyone, but there are many common experiences:

Heart rate: You may notice your heart beating faster or feel like it is “pounding.”. This is your heart working to pump blood around your body. Specifically to your limbs to get your body ready to run or fight. Brief spikes in your blood pressure go with these spikes in your heart rate.
Muscle tension: As your blood moves towards your limbs, your muscles will also start to tense up to get ready to take off or square up. This is why you may feel a lot of tightness in your arms, chest, and legs.
Breathing: As your body gets ready for action, you may also notice your breath coming fast and shallow, from the top of your chest rather than from your belly.
Nausea: Because your body is in danger, the blood is rushing towards your muscles and away from your stomach. It knows you aren’t going to sit down for a meal right now. So your body doesn’t need blood near those organs. This causes that familiar “butterflies in the stomach” or nausea feeling.
Dizziness: You may also experience dizziness and trouble focusing as your body tries to narrow its focus to just the most immediate threat.

Additionally, your thoughts will change to match your emotion. You are likely to be thinking more quickly, seeing danger around every corner, and assuming the worst.

Fear is different from anxiety and you should reach out for support if you are experiencing anxiety. Fear is a natural emotion. Anxiety is a general state of unease and worry. Anxiety comes up when there are big things that we are avoiding. If you find you are experiencing a lot of fear/anxious responses, consider these coping skills. In the long-run, starting therapy will be very helpful to re-calibrate your body and mind to safety.

Why is fear uncomfortable?+

Personally

Fear is an incredibly uncomfortable emotion to feel. It causes intense changes in our experience. It changes our thoughts, bodies, and reactions. Fear causes physical discomfort and uncomfortable thoughts. Fear adds stress to our body. In short bursts, this fear is doing its job to keep us alive and ready to act, but if we feel fear often and intensely it can wear down our bodies from inside. Fear is also so uncomfortable to feel because it is telling us that pain is approaching. The anticipation of pain (physical, emotional, or interpersonal) adds to our discomfort. Fear can also make us freeze or withdraw. When that happens, we are left with our fear and feeling disconnected from the people and activities we care about.

We are hard-wired to instinctively move away from the feeling of fear. For that reason, it makes sense that people try to avoid fear as much as possible. And it makes sense that people try to avoid situations that would cause fear as much as possible. Because that extra step creates an extra layer of defense against this particularly uncomfortable emotion.

Interpersonally

Fear can be intensely uncomfortable to feel and it can also be painful to show our fear around other people. Fear can be a hard emotion for people to show in front of others because of how vulnerable it makes us feel. It is often hard to be vulnerable in front of those we care about - even about things that aren’t super important! This is usually because we worry about judgment from others. We also fear rejection from others. All people need and want to be connected to others, so getting rejected usually feels like a worst-case scenario. And now we know that danger brings out the emotion of fear… So the fear of getting rejected because we showed fear makes the fear even bigger! To get out of this fear loop, we tend to avoid showing fear to protect ourselves from danger.

What does fear do for us?+

Personally

Like all our emotions, fear conveys essential information to us. Fear tells us when something is dangerous. The absence of fear tells us when something is safe. Fear is how we make judgments as we go through life. Fear will tell us when we can pet a friendly dog or when we should run away from an aggressive one. Fear helps us organize our experience on a spectrum so that we can go through life making thoughtful decisions. Not every experience is 100% safe or 100% dangerous. So we have to decide what level of risk is acceptable to us. It’s how you know if you should go on The Giant Drop, Raging Bull, or Tea Cups at Six Flags. Or if you shouldn’t go to Six Flags at all! When we listen to logic and our emotions, we can feel fear and still decide that it’s an acceptable amount of risk.

Fear is also a unique emotion that provides great clues about our other emotions. As we mentioned earlier, it’s common to feel fear as we approach other kinds of emotional danger. For that reason, fear gives great information that we may actually be feeling another emotion (anger or sadness for example). Using that information can put us in control of our experience. From there, we can use that new information to process and move forward from that emotion.

Lastly, experiencing and expressing fear is the only way we can shed the weight of that emotion. As with every emotion that we’ve talked about. Pushing fear down or ignoring it, will only weigh us down and build up pressure (and could keep us in a dangerous situation!). The best way to relieve that pressure is to notice it, acknowledge, and talk about it. You’ll then be able to move forward from it. Sometimes, with intense feelings of fear, we need help to ground ourselves before we can do that. Try these coping skills or mindfulness techniques to help out. If you experience intense fears like phobias (intense fears of specific things like dogs or heights), you should talk to a mental health professional to get the support you deserve.

Interpersonally

Fear also has fantastic benefits for our relationships! Once again, fear gives us wonderful information about the comfort in our relationships. Knowing if we are in a safe or uncomfortable relationship is really important information. The ways in which relationships are uncomfortable can sometimes be very subtle. Learning to notice very small signals of discomfort and fear can tell us when something is happening that makes us uneasy. Using that emotional information helps us set healthy boundaries with people in our life. Your therapist is a great resource to get support in setting boundaries. For some more general information about setting healthy boundaries, check back this Fall for a fuller article on the subject!

Finally, fear is a useful tool in connecting with others. All emotions help us build strong, deep relationships. Fear is no different. The emotional vulnerability we show when we express fear to another person helps another person connect with us. It helps another person understand our experience much more fully. It helps another person attend to our needs. They wouldn’t be able to do so without this key information because most people aren’t mind readers. All of that brings a person closer. It also gives them the opportunity to share their emotions back with you. A nice cycle that builds a deep, caring, and trusting relationship! So next time you don’t want to race the bulls of Pamplona because you’re afraid, try expressing that! See how it goes!

Not every relationship is safe enough to set boundaries

If you are experiencing an unsafe relationship, please reach out for support. Seek safety and reach out to supportive resources right away. There are also many more resources available to help than those listed here: