Sadness

Sadness is…

Sadness is not depression. Sadness is one of the most common emotions for human beings. That makes it one of the most important emotions for human beings. Sadness is a response to the environment and our experience. This is because sadness is triggered by our thoughts, behaviors, and bodily reactions. 

Sadness comes in many different forms. We might feel nostalgic thinking about positive experiences from long ago. Or despair thinking about things that could have happened, but now may not. We may feel grief when we think about someone or something we have known and lost. We may feel bittersweet thinking about something that is gone, when our sadness is mixed with joy. Or even disappointment when our sadness is combined with anger. Feeling sadness (and feeling these different kinds of sadness) is the result of the things that happen to us as well as the way we think about these things. 

Sadness is also a tool.  By paying attention to our sadness we can remember and feel connected to things we have lost and learn to appreciate what we have in the present. Processing sadness allows us to go through challenging things without becoming overwhelmed.  

Sadness feels like…

Because sadness is hard-wired into our bodies, it is connected with several different physical changes: 

• Crying/tearfulness: For some, tears may come easily. For others, even when they feel an urge to cry, it may feel like they “can’t.” Crying is an important communicator to the people around us that we need help or support. Imagine coming across someone sitting alone and crying - what might you want to do? Ask if they are okay, offer them a tissue, sit with them? People might not always take care of us the way that we want when we cry, but it is a way of showing others that we need it. Crying is also a biological strategy to relieve the pressure of the moment. It can release chemicals in the brain that help us to calm down and soothe ourselves.
• Posture/expression: Sadness closes off the body. Picture someone who is sad - you may be imagining someone with slumped shoulders, head down, gaze lowered, frowning or with scrunched eyebrows. When we feel sad, we tend to turn inwards and withdraw from others, like someone curled up in the fetal position.

Sadness also has a way of influencing our thoughts. When we are feeling sad, we might think things like:

• “This is awful.”
• “I hate this.”
• “Why does it have to be this way?”
• “I wish…”
• “If only…”
• “I miss…”

Lastly, sadness influences our actions. Sadness may cause us to want to withdraw from the people around us, eat comfort food, or listen to a particular song. If we let our sadness control our behaviors we can end up feeling isolated and bored, but if we pay attention to our sadness we can choose to do things that may help us feel better in the long term. 

Personally

Sadness is often called a “negative emotion.” It’s painful to feel sadness and to be reminded of things we have lost or never had. When we feel sadness, it also tends to remind us of other times we felt sad. This is especially true if we have not processed our sadness and instead walled off our emotions from ourselves and others. To be reminded of several sad experiences all at once can feel overwhelming and painful - which can cause us to want to pull away. Just like if we touch a hot stove, we’re going to react immediately to stop the pain from happening.  We treat emotional pain that same way. 

Interpersonally

Even though sadness is hard-wired to send out signals that we need support from other people (crying, changes in posture) it can feel very uncomfortable when people can tell when we are feeling upset. For men and boys it can be challenging to express sadness if it means that they might be seen as “weak” or told to “man up.” For women and girls, showing sadness comes with the risk of being labeled “hysterical.” It can be a trap for everyone! The lessons that we are taught early on in our families and communities about our emotions shape how we feel and show our emotions throughout our lives. Rejection is scary! We want to be included and accepted by the people we care about - even when that means hiding who we really are and how we really feel.

Personally

Sadness is definitely uncomfortable. It also has a lot of benefits! Sadness, like our other emotions, is communicating really important information to us. Every time sadness pops up, it is handing us clues about our experience. Overall, sadness is a signal - a red flag or a blaring alarm - designed to tell us that we are uncomfortable. However, sadness is also telling us why we are uncomfortable in a situation. Sadness is saying that whatever we are going through is not what we want to be happening. Sadness reminds us of what is important to us. Sadness pops up when we don’t have or can’t have what we value - a toy, an experience, an opportunity, a relationship, etc. In other words, sadness helps us organize our experience into recognizing that we have lost something or we are without something. You might not have realized how that al-pastor burrito from your favorite taqueria was so important to you until you dropped it on the sidewalk before your first bite, leaving you heartbroken. 

Sadness motivates us to respond to our challenges in certain ways. We might respond to our dropped burrito with a few tears, releasing feel-good chemicals into our brain and giving us some emotional relief so that we can move forward with our day. Our sadness may also highlight the importance of that burrito to us, causing us to turn back around to the taqueria to buy another. So, next time you notice sadness, try listening to what it might be telling you that you need!

Interpersonally

At first glance, sadness seems like something that could push others away. However, sadness is actually an important tool in our relationships! Sadness conveys essential information to those around us! Sadness tells others that we are having a tough time. Others see the tell-tale signs of sadness and know that someone they care about needs help. Those tears that can feel so embarrassing are actually communicating what you need. This allows people to attend to you and support you during a challenging time. And just like other emotions, showing vulnerability with sadness strengthens and solidifies your relationships. For all those reasons, sadness is an essential part of the human experience! Without it, we’re missing a key tool to help us solve our problems and strengthen our relationships! Next time you notice yourself feeling sad, try letting yourself feel sad with yourself or a trusted friend (or therapist) and see how it goes!